Where am I going... what am I doing with my life... What are my plans? What should my plans be?
I'm left with this really empty feeling consistently in my gut that I'm falling behind where I "should be" in life... but I don't know where that "should be" is... or how to get there...
what a dowwwnnneerrrrrr
At least the weather has been nice.
7 comments:
I’m not entirely sure how or why I came across your blog tonight, but I did. And now? I can’t seem to restrain myself from responding, no matter how odd I am about to come across. So here it goes. Behold the power of anonymity :)
Basically Jonathan? I get it.
Not just this year alone, but the last couple years, I have struggled with a gnawing sense that I wasn’t quite where I was supposed to be. I had no doubt that God had a plan for me, that He had a place for me (so to speak), and that He had a path for me to walk down. The problem resounded in the fact that I felt so far removed from wherever that “path” was. It’s haunting to know you are lost. It’s an underlying thought that you can’t really shake. And as Christians, it’s a bit of a mystery, yes? Being lost yet found? I know He has not lost me, but I fear as if I have lost myself at times. I know the verses, I know the promises, and I know the right things to say. But feeling as if you needed to be heading in a direction, or going somewhere, without the ability to identify what it is, or where to even start walking…well, it can be paralyzing - at least in my experience. I even fasted a few times, desperate for a sign or some divine finger to point me down the appropriate road. I feared taking the wrong turn. I feared accumulating too many regrets. Unfortunately, my striving for an answer didn’t do much more than fuel my fear that I was missing the boat.
I just…I don’t want to waste my life. But who does? I don’t want to waste time in vain. I don’t want to live out my story just for me.
I remember accidentally downloading a song which automatically started playing upon completion during one of my more desperate, “stressed out” evenings. Not the most brilliant composition known to man, but still, the singer sang out with some pretty convincing heart-wrenching anguish:
There's a burning in my heart everyday,
I come to You, I look to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I'm beating at my chest everyday,
I run to You, I come to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I actually started weeping. It was almost like God was saying “I know.” Strange thought. He knows.
Yes, perhaps we are just “young” people going through another expected identity crisis.
Yes, everyone goes through seasons like these. But I also have a hunch there is a healthy lack of “satisfaction” with the idea of simply going through the motions. That’s a good thing, right? Not closing one’s eyes?
At this point, you still qualify as stranger Jon. But tonight I am praying for you. I promise. I will pray that His peace stills your heart, and guides you toward the next step you are to take. I will pray for conversations, ideas, moments…or whatever is needed to assure you that you are not “falling behind.” It’s cheesy (I’m sincerely sorry), but you are being prepared for whatever is next. We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, right? (…the reference is somewhere between Genesis and Revelations I believe). We’ve got to remind ourselves to get back to those “quiet waters” in which the Psalms speak of. We have to hold still long enough to let Him tell us we are okay. We can’t see past the season we are in, but He can. He gets it. He sees it all. He’ll get us where he needs us despite our confusion, or despite any wrong turns we accidentally take. For me, I realized I was scared I would take the wrong turn and sabotage the life I was “supposed” to live. I see now I was underestimating God. It really comes down to trusting that His plan for us is powerful enough to supersede our human errors.
Hmm, I believe I have far exceeded my rambling quota. Still not deterred
I’m not entirely sure how or why I came across your blog tonight, but I did. And now? I can’t seem to restrain myself from responding, no matter how odd I am about to come across. So here it goes. Behold the power of anonymity :)
Basically Jonathan? I get it.
Not just this year alone, but the last couple years, I have struggled with a gnawing sense that I wasn’t quite where I was supposed to be. I had no doubt that God had a plan for me, that He had a place for me (so to speak), and that He had a path for me to walk down. The problem resounded in the fact that I felt so far removed from wherever that “path” was. It’s haunting to know you are lost. It’s an underlying thought that you can’t really shake. And as Christians, it’s a bit of a mystery, yes? Being lost yet found? I know He has not lost me, but I fear as if I have lost myself at times. I know the verses, I know the promises, and I know the right things to say. But feeling as if you needed to be heading in a direction, or going somewhere, without the ability to identify what it is, or where to even start walking…well, it can be paralyzing - at least in my experience. I even fasted a few times, desperate for a sign or some divine finger to point me down the appropriate road. I feared taking the wrong turn. I feared accumulating too many regrets. Unfortunately, my striving for an answer didn’t do much more than fuel my fear that I was missing the boat.
I just…I don’t want to waste my life. But who does? I don’t want to waste time in vain. I don’t want to live out my story just for me.
I remember accidentally downloading a song which automatically started playing upon completion during one of my more desperate, “stressed out” evenings. Not the most brilliant composition known to man, but still, the singer sang out with some pretty convincing heart-wrenching anguish:
There's a burning in my heart everyday,
I come to You, I look to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I'm beating at my chest everyday,
I run to You, I come to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I actually started weeping. It was almost like God was saying “I know.” Strange thought. He knows.
Yes, perhaps we are just “young” people going through another expected identity crisis.
Yes, everyone goes through seasons like these. But I also have a hunch there is a healthy lack of “satisfaction” with the idea of simply going through the motions. That’s a good thing, right? Not closing one’s eyes?
At this point, you still qualify as stranger Jon. But tonight I am praying for you. I promise. I will pray that His peace stills your heart, and guides you toward the next step you are to take. I will pray for conversations, ideas, moments…or whatever is needed to assure you that you are not “falling behind.” It’s cheesy (I’m sincerely sorry), but you are being prepared for whatever is next. We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, right? (…the reference is somewhere between Genesis and Revelations I believe). We’ve got to remind ourselves to get back to those “quiet waters” in which the Psalms speak of. We have to hold still long enough to let Him tell us we are okay. We can’t see past the season we are in, but He can. He gets it. He sees it all. He’ll get us where he needs us despite our confusion, or despite any wrong turns we accidentally take. For me, I realized I was scared I would take the wrong turn and sabotage the life I was “supposed” to live. I see now I was underestimating God. It really comes down to trusting that His plan for us is powerful enough to supersede our human errors.
Hmm, I believe I have far exceeded my rambling quota. Still not deterred
I’m not entirely sure how or why I came across your blog tonight, but I did. And now? I can’t seem to restrain myself from responding, no matter how odd I am about to come across. So here it goes. Behold the power of anonymity :)
Basically Jonathan? I get it.
Not just this year alone, but the last couple years, I have struggled with a gnawing sense that I wasn’t quite where I was supposed to be. I had no doubt that God had a plan for me, that He had a place for me (so to speak), and that He had a path for me to walk down. The problem resounded in the fact that I felt so far removed from wherever that “path” was. It’s haunting to know you are lost. It’s an underlying thought that you can’t really shake. And as Christians, it’s a bit of a mystery, yes? Being lost yet found? I know He has not lost me, but I fear as if I have lost myself at times. I know the verses, I know the promises, and I know the right things to say. But feeling as if you needed to be heading in a direction, or going somewhere, without the ability to identify what it is, or where to even start walking…well, it can be paralyzing - at least in my experience. I even fasted a few times, desperate for a sign or some divine finger to point me down the appropriate road. I feared taking the wrong turn. I feared accumulating too many regrets. Unfortunately, my striving for an answer didn’t do much more than fuel my fear that I was missing the boat.
I just…I don’t want to waste my life. But who does? I don’t want to waste time in vain. I don’t want to live out my story just for me.
I remember accidentally downloading a song which automatically started playing upon completion during one of my more desperate, “stressed out” evenings. Not the most brilliant composition known to man, but still, the singer sang out with some pretty convincing heart-wrenching anguish:
There's a burning in my heart everyday,
I come to You, I look to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I'm beating at my chest everyday,
I run to You, I come to You and say,
When will I become everything,
That You've intended me to be?
I actually started weeping. It was almost like God was saying “I know.” Strange thought. He knows.
Yes, perhaps we are just “young” people going through another expected identity crisis.
Yes, everyone goes through seasons like these. But I also have a hunch there is a healthy lack of “satisfaction” with the idea of simply going through the motions. That’s a good thing, right? Not closing one’s eyes?
At this point, you still qualify as stranger Jon. But tonight I am praying for you. I promise. I will pray that His peace stills your heart, and guides you toward the next step you are to take. I will pray for conversations, ideas, moments…or whatever is needed to assure you that you are not “falling behind.” It’s cheesy (I’m sincerely sorry), but you are being prepared for whatever is next. We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, right? (…the reference is somewhere between Genesis and Revelations I believe). We’ve got to remind ourselves to get back to those “quiet waters” in which the Psalms speak of. We have to hold still long enough to let Him tell us we are okay. We can’t see past the season we are in, but He can. He gets it. He sees it all. He’ll get us where he needs us despite our confusion, or despite any wrong turns we accidentally take. For me, I realized I was scared I would take the wrong turn and sabotage the life I was “supposed” to live. I see now I was underestimating God. It really comes down to trusting that His plan for us is powerful enough to supersede our human errors.
Hmm, I believe I have far exceeded my rambling quota. Still not deterred
Damn the character limit :) And double post. My apologies.
Anyways,
“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 1:6
It’s a verse I’ve always known, but failed to truly grasp. We have to remember it is God who promises that “He” will carry out His will for our lives until completion- it’s not up to you (nor me), nor is it your job to figure everything out. Ha, I do believe surrender is all that is required. So, so much easier said than done. Yet? It’s going to be worth it. You already know that.
And you’re going to be okay. Perhaps, and I know I am pushing the boundaries of optimism here…but perhaps tomorrow, or if not, the day after, you will go a day without stressing out about your future, and instead be caught up in intrigue and curiosity as to how God is going to get you where He wants you. He will be opening doors and He will be shutting doors. I am %100 confident he has got it figured out. And it’s all very, very good.
Plus, when it comes down to it, it’s the first and greatest commandment that takes precedent over all that remains currently unknown. If nothing else, His entire will for our lives is summed up within it: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” That’s technically a step right? A direction? A clear guideline of His ultimate will for your life?
Alright. May the peace that passes all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I honestly don’t remember the last time I meant that so much!
p.s. …By the way? I still don’t know what I am supposed to do next. I’m still not sure, for lack of better word, what my “calling” is. I’m still scared to death. I’ll let you know when things suddenly come clear. “Trust” appears to be my only option for now. It’s a good option.
or. OR! Take off the blindfold of predestination (divine or existential) and have fun finding out!
My vote (not that I get one) is similar to Tony's
Enjoy the unknown. Next month I will be finished school (presumably forever) and with that the freedom that comes with no major consequences for your actions (such as the fact that currently I'm still bundled up in bed at 10:45 on a Thursday) will also be finished. Then the month after that...the "real world", with a real job, and with real consequences for screwing up. And that's terrifying...because I am in no way ready to grow up yet.
Long story short...I would love to have another couple years to float around, waiting to see what path will present itself. Enjoy that time. You likely won't get it again...but you've got all the time in the world to "do something with your life"
Or maybe I'm just sad I will no longer be able to spend my Thursday mornings lying in bed watching Life and planning our Glory Nights tribute band "Mornings of Defeat" (Tony and I have already discussed it, and it's happening.)
Sorry I can't be as well thought out and well spoken as "Anonymous"...
but I love you?
Goodness gracious, I feel you friend. We're in the same boat.
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